Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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