T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
