Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
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