Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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