her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
