My underwear smells like fireworks.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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