I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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