She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
