sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
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