Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
