I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
