Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize