Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
