I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
