I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
