Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
