I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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