So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
