I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
