Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
