i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
