I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
honey bunches of taint.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
