We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I can't put those talents on a resume
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
