your parents love me but you hate me
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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