Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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