Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
