I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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