Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
