Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
