I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
