his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
The Olympian is in my bed
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
