I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
