I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
