i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
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Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
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How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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