I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
