When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
