i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
