Apparently you make a good broom.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
