Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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