Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She announced her abortion via fbk
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
