I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I woke up under a house in Key West
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
