i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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