I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Everything about him screamed your future.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
