No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
