there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
