Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
