I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
