the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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