I'm gonna have a badass scar
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
