I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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