Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
