i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
