Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
