My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
