Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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