you guys were way drunker than both of me
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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