I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
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Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
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Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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