Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
